Mental Illness :
I recently returned from a very moving and eye opening women's retreat that my sister invited me too across the country on the spur of the moment. This is not remarkable to many who find themselves seeking adventure however, for me it was entirely out of my comfort zone. I title this section mental illness, because I am aware of the stigma attached and the fear that some people have toward the diagnosis.
If you know my history at all, I struggle with depression and anxiety with triggers from traumatic events. This past holiday season I visited a Dr. who has the worst bedside manner yet hit the nail on the head with the medicine he prescribed. I was one that carried the attitude that you can just pull yourself up by the boot straps and march right out of depression. I learned that mental illness is nothing to play around with and it is a serious physical condition that must be supervised by professionals.
Self medicating was the choice I had made for myself for several years. Drug of choice... alcohol. Knowing that I could push the pain down and deal with it later was much easier than actually facing the demons head on. I am a guilt driven person unfortunately and therefore after I had killed my personal pain, I would have sleepless nights of trying to remember exactly what words or actions I had taken while under the influence. Wondering and worrying about what damage if any that I may have caused those around me in my blurry time of short personal relief.
After taking my anti-depressant for a few weeks, I began to notice that I wasn't having the urge to reach for the bottle. I was actually beginning to feel like the person I had known years before all my horrific tales began. I was singing again, I was dancing around the house again and I was exercising again. I was reaching out to others again, instead of hiding out and doing my best to tip toe around my loved ones in order to hide what was truly going on in my complex mind. I had tried medicine before with no success, so the many choices on the market are not a one size fits all. You must keep trying to find the one that works for you. With all of that said, I now am feeling refreshed and excited about my new state of mind and the good that it can bring for all of those around me. So if you too struggle with depression and or any other mental illness that is holding you back, I urge you to get help and see for yourself the amazing quality of life that can be returned to you by allowing your brain to be balanced and healthy.
Women !!!
I am no expert when it comes to knowing the minds of all women. We are unique and ever changing human beings. Yet I do feel that we share so many of the same juggling acts in regards to family, friends, work, and self worth. How do we get past the idea that we are selfish if we take time out for ourselves? Like right now for instance... I have dishes in the sink and the dust bunnies are in plain view with a ring of slime on my shower that is haunting me. I would normally never feel good about sitting down to write without having everything in order first, so that I won't feel guilty about pushing what I want or need to the forefront of my list. Well guess what, it feels pretty darn good! My husband is an extremely understanding and loving man that has allowed me to be exactly who I need to be without judgement. So why is it that I feel I must accomplish something for him to notice when he walks in the house? Silly. He asks nothing of me and yet the guilt of showing him that I am worthy is overwhelming at times. Simply crazy.
Therapy? Well, been there done that and I have yet to find a good therapist that can actually give me the tools to hit the toggle switch in my brain. I am who I am, and no matter how many times that someone tells me that it was not my fault or that there is no way I can change it now, it never seems to stick other than the fact that logically I know that to be true. Logic is not a tool for a mother who is in a constant state of "If only I had known, or I should've done this or that " Those or just words that will never resonate in my heart, so now I have to learn how to cope with them instead. I'm getting there.
Children:
Why is it that as mothers' we are only as happy as our least happy child? I am fortunate enough to only have two children and they are 12 years apart in age. This allows me to deal with two completely different sets of issues or problems that arise. I Can't Relate to mothers' who have several children that they worry over. It must be a sea of juggling hearts and never feeling that sense for just a fleeting moment that ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Marriage is tough enough to maintain, let alone children and parents and friends and work.
Hats off to those mothers' who keep plugging away at it day after day. I hope that you allow yourself to understand that although you must continue to try, it is a very rare moment to find the stars and moon all lining up at once for your fleeting sigh of relief.
Summary:
I want to keep this post short (those dishes are shouting at me now) so that I can come back and hopefully see some comments from any of you, and that we can address some topics that are concerning you in your life right now. I will share with you more about my trip and how much finding a group of women to share your struggles with is refreshing and invigorating. A safe place to fall. My hope for you today, is that you can find a small spot in your brain to tell yourself that you are worthy and that you are doing a good job! Hang in there ladies !!!!
Thank you,
Jo Lynn ;D
