I haven't been able to get myself to write in a while, and I'm sure it's because of how unsure I have become. I think if you attend a New Years Eve Party that rocks your confidence, you waste too much of the fresh, untainted year dwelling on details that won't matter to anyone in days maybe even hours, if it did at all. At my age, it feels as if I have regressed back in to that young awkward self doubting teen, that worried about what others thought of me at any given moment. Self involved and self absorbed and always assuming that you don't fit in. A friend told me that it was the opposite of puberty, it was an actual symptom of menopause. The reversal taking place and playing tricks on your rationality. I'm hoping it passes really soon, it was hell as a teen and it is hell now.
Some of my thoughts have a real basis for concern, as I know releasing a memoir exposing every gory detail of your life over the past 50 years can tend to make one paranoid. Wondering.... well what did they think? Do they still like me? Is is total garbage? Did they even bother to read it?
While other thoughts are those same insecure ridiculous questions in your head such as...Do I talk too much? Am I loud? No one got that joke. Do I have a stupid laugh? Do they like my shirt? I bet they hate this necklace and they are just not telling me. Why don't they like the same shows as me? Why do I feel like such an outcast? I bet my breath stinks. Once these thoughts begin, I turn in to the shrinking violet little girl and hide.
Trying to stay focused on the positive because there is truly so much to be grateful for in my life and let those little insecurities sink to the bottom of my glass half full. It's weird though, just when I begin to feel like I can step outside again, something is said or happens that turns me right back to being twelve again. Although even at twelve, with zits and fever blisters, I was able to fake my confidence in a room. I can no longer do that it seems. Stripped and naked, I stand exposed for all to see the real me.
I don't like the unknown, and I want every person who has read my book to tell me what they thought of it. Even if it ends up selling 10,000 copies, I NEED to know! You know how those Hollywood Movie Star types get all caught up in their work and just die over what the critics or the reviews say? That is what I fear I have become... one of those insecure jerks who needs a pep talk every five minutes. Lift me up, tell me how great I am, tell me that it was awesome. I can't handle the truth. Well the truth is, I don't like this feeling and it makes me self loathe, and left weak and crippled. I want my strong empowered woman feeling back and it better show up soon, or the next 3 months will be spent under the covers hoping my thighs don't get any bigger.
My website hasn't helped much because of the problems it has given me, and the fact that my wonderful son decided to download a gazillion episodes of Jersey Shore on MY MacBook. Leaving it full and slow and me enraged with HOW DARE YOU? Don't you know I'm a writer? Don't you understand how important that Mac is to me? Couldn't you have used your own Ipad that G-ma got you? or the HUGH in size and in memory gorgeous MAC you have sitting on your desk? Ok... so at least the kid is smart enough not to slow down his own property, but the lack of respect for mine he has shown, has sent me into a tyrant that is totally fixated on getting Snookie off of MY MAC !
I'm just in limbo right now, with the computer issues and thinking I may have to dump and restore the whole thing and worry that the things I really wanted on there won't be on my external hard drive when I'm ready to begin again. But also the frustration of not knowing how many books I have sold and no avenue to find out until February! So how am I suppose to sell myself and this book, if I have no compass as to how it has gone thus far? Do I spend our families money on more books when I have learned there are three mistakes in it? Do I spend the money to fix the mistakes? The same person did not notice all three, three seperate found one. So I'm thinking hey, thats okay. A LOT of people skim when they read and won't catch it right? UGH... no, I HATE mistakes!
So I thought before I have this blog linked to my website, which really should be working early next week, with a place for you to purchase my book directly from me and have it signed any way you would like, that I would give you a post of just how this newly published author is feeling on this 15th day of January already ! How can this time thing be moving so quickly? Does it have anything to do with Global Warming? I swear I can feel the earth turning faster, maybe because it is melting and it knows it better step up the pace if it is going to at least make it to the Super Bowl!
Thanks for reading my rant, and I will keep you informed as to wether my son lives or dies when I restore this Mac. I will write to you from his Ipad !!!!!!! So long for now, and let the good times be plentiful and light and the bad times be few, heavy and sink. Wish me Luck and tell me I'm beautiful ;D
Ta Ta for now,
Your whacked out writer friend, Jo
