Do YOU believe?

If you have read my book "I Can't Relate" by Jo Lynn Sudenly A Simple Girl with a Complicated Life, then you know that I have struggled with my faith for several years now.  It seems that having multiple tragedies topple upon you in a very short amount of time, can wear down the thought that you have a Guardian Angel up there of any kind.

My daughter, who is in the book in a very BIG way, has never wavered in her faith since she was 10 years old and began going to Church with a neighbor friend.  My husband and I neither had any desire to attend and it was her idea to convince us that we should give it a try.  My husband declined, but I however decided that I should at least attempt this idea, as my girl was pretty sharp in her proposal and I hated to say no to such a sweet and truly touched child.

I began one week after Easter in 1995, I remember because I felt it was silly to go on the day of Easter just because EVERYONE goes then and I felt like a fake. My daughter was in her Sunday School class, which meant that I would find a place on my own in the pews.  When the minister came out for the first time, I felt an immediate connection and liking of the man.  It was as if he had seen me "standing out" not belonging possibly... in the crowd and decided to speak directly to me.  His sermon was on Doubting Thomas of all things and it drove right through me.  I felt strongly that this was where I was going to renew my relationship with God.  I had been baptized when I was 11 or 12, but really didn't know what that meant or the magnitude of the ceremony.  I "went forward" because the song "The old rugged cross" made me tear up and I thought it must mean something, so I walked that aisle and told Reverend Shipley that I was ready.  After that big day, I didn't feel any different and I went on to be a very un-Christ Like child.  (note... read my book)

I stopped going to Church when I was about 16 and able to drive and to find much more exciting things to do. I never went back and honestly, everything I heard during those few years did not hold any place in my head or my heart.  I had completely forgotten everything  those wonderful Vacation Bible School teachers had tried to teach me.

So when my daughter approached me, and I connected so quickly with this small Church and this Minister who went by the name Larry, I was hooked.  Larry held a small class of newcomers who he tried to instill the basic fundamentals of the Bible.  I really worked hard at retaining the information, taking notes and going over them when I was alone at home.  I signed up to sing in the choir, and boy I loved that!  I love to sing and to worship through song, it was amazing and it touched my heart more than any rehearsed sermon ever had.  I fell in love with the people and the things they were doing to help the community.  We would go to places downtown that were in need of many things and far worse off than I had ever been in my life and we would lift their spirits with our song and it felt oh so wonderful.  I did this all without a single companion except God himself.  It felt empowering to be able to go and have the confidence to sing in front of others when I had never really been told that I could carry a tune.  Smiling out to strangers and have them looking back at me with such hope and smiles as well.

I went to Sunday School, I went to Wednesday night dinners, I joined an "in home" fellowship group and I did this all without my husband, or a single friend to stand by my side.  I was an independent soldier in the search for my God.  I finally felt confident that I could share my Church with my parents and it was wonderful that they decided to join me.  I wasn't sure how long it had been since they too had entered the house of the Lord.  I was pregnant now and I was really enjoying the free counseling that Larry was giving me on all the worries of my new adventure after being a Mother of one for 12 years.

As I stood in the choir with my belly growing larger and no man by my side, it seems that I caught the eye of a woman in the congregation that felt I may be a single mother.  She soon joined the choir and propped herself next to me at every scheduled practice.  At first I found her to be very genuine and overly caring.  My guard was up a bit, as I do seem to have a particular vibe for gay-dar and she fit the bill and stereotype to the tee. I won't go in to details on that, because I feel it is very unfair and judgemental to do so.  I love gay people. Period.  This is why I have such a hard time with the Bible.  I do not believe that they have any choice what so ever to choose this way of life.  That is a topic for another blog, but I did feel right away that she may be gay.  I even asked her belief on the subject soon after we become close friends and she told me that it was wrong and the Bible says it is an abomination and that it goes against everything God wants for us.  Therefore I let my guard down and allowed her to become a very large part of my life AND my families life.  She was there when my infant son was crying non-stop and she took him so that my husband and I could go out on dates. She went to the store for me, she did my laundry and she played non stop with both of the children.  She became a member of our family and she gave me someone to talk to about God and she gave me someone to talk to about everything.  A personal, sometimes live-in girlfriend and counselor.

It wasn't until after my Mom pointed out to me that she felt something was very "off" about the way this woman looked at me.  As though I was her partner and that my son was her son.  Even though she knew I was married, she would often remark "doesn't your husband have a hobby like fishing or something where he goes away for a while?" and then the icing on the cake was when she told me that my bed, as she laid sprawled across it after folding my husbands underwear, that my bed was her "happy place" that I finally realized that I had a problem on my hands.  She was not only looking for a family of her own, but she was in love with me.  She told me constantly that I was the "coolest" person she ever knew and that she could be around me and live with me forever.  I discounted these comments as something a woman who has never had many friends to say.  She was a large woman, and had gone to a baptist school as a child and had two older brothers that always made fun of her.  I feel now that she could have possibly been abused and that she was definitely gay and was pushing those feelings down, while having a fantasy about taking over my husbands role in my family, including me.


Although I was torn to have a discussion with her, as I did truly care and possibly love her.  She did so many errands and things for me, and helped the whole family so much that I knew if it continued that I would just be using her and not letting her move on to find her own life.  So I did.  Needless to say, it did not go well. It was like a divorce and she was tortured by not seeing my son after being with him since he was born.  She had shared every day of our lives for three years and now I was asking for my key back.  


The Church that I had fallen in love with was her Church. She went there first and I didn't think I (and at this point, my son and daughter) could continue to go there.  It also made things easier when I learned that the minister I loved and trusted and knew without a shadow of a doubt was the REAL DEAL, was leaving to open a Church in Nova Scotia for cryin' out loud!  It crushed me.  I gave the new guy a short chance and he was very young and made no impression on me what so ever.  So we left.  For Good.  I gave up on Church after feeling like something so painful could happen right in side it's doors.  She had admitted to "scoping" me out and thinking she could worm her way in to my life. Creepy.  Wasn't God watching?


My daughter however, went to Church with her friends every Sunday without miss.  Even when she had been up late the night before and possibly just a few hours of sleep, she went to Church. Through high school parties and events, she put God first. No support from me, just on her own.  She went to Church every Christmas Eve alone, no matter what town she lived in, or if she were in college, she would search for a place to go.  Even after her horrific turn of events, she went to Church. She was never angered at God. She turned to him for comfort and surrendered herself to him. 


My point is... maybe you are BORN with faith?


If I get any feedback or comments from this post, I will tell you of an experience I had the other evening that I felt God had his hand in.  Days have past now and I am beginning to think otherwise and it is upsetting.  I will also tell you why I feel that way as well.  But you must comment about faith before I continue.


Please have a discussion or conversation with me about your faith, would you please?  Any and all religions and any and all sexualities. Please open my eyes to how you feel about this topic.


Thank you for reading,
Jo Lynn