It has been brought to my attention lately, that sometimes I say things that don't come out at all how I intended. Can any of you RELATE to that?
We all listen to friends who vent and either that person is actually looking for advice, or they just want someone to listen. I believe now, that unless the person actually says to you "what do you think?" or "what should I do", the safest bet is to just be quiet and not try and FIX the problem.
Nine times out of ten, the problem fixes itself and then you are the one that gets blamed for saying something derogatory against a loved one of theirs. You have either insulted their intelligence or offended them in some way that you honestly had no clue that you were doing.
I have found that as I regain my footing after five years of a horrific storm, that I am beginning to become more in tune with my words and how they often affect others. Little judgements, regardless of how small or unimportant they are, hurt. I have been told numerous times recently that something I said came out in a very negative way, when I meant it to be helpful. Isn't it marvelous that we can still learn and grow at the age of 50. Some old Dogs can be taught new tricks. Not only has this helped in my marriage, but in almost every aspect of my social circle and even those I encounter on the streets or stores etc...
I feel we are flooded with reality TV that encourages us to speak our minds and people just take it and move on. However in the the REAL reality, people will not take it forever and you will lose them. They need comfort, not criticism.
I first began to understand this when my daughter would come home and tell me what a ghastly deed one of her classmates had done to her, and I would listen and then become the devil's advocate. In which she would immediately say "why do you always take their side?" Well, because I want you to have another perspective and maybe get an understanding as to why they did what they did. But that is NOT what my daughter wanted to hear.
After my rebirth this past five years, I felt being the "real" me, meant that I could say what I actually thought to someone. But I am learning that people don't really want to hear the truth, they just want a shoulder to lean or cry on. My words have become more direct which I like because I'm not hiding any longer. But I am reserving those honest words for REAL problems, not petty ones. I once told a friend who was going through a very tough time of losing her Mother, and her Father was close to death as well, that she should get her kids to take things upstairs for her, instead of piling each step with items that belonged up or down. See in our house, if something is sitting at the top of the stairs, whoever goes down next takes it down, and vice versa. My intent on sharing that with her was to encourage her to ask for help from her family while she was unable to keep up with the household chores. But she took it as a judgement that her kids don't do anything and that I was saying she had a messy house.
She only revealed this to me approximately 9 years later this past week! She has recycled that in her mind and let it eat away at her and her housekeeping and parenting abilities all this time. All I wanted was for her to come home after driving an hour and half both ways to visit her parents, to walk in her safe haven and be able to shut down and cry if she needed too. Not see things that needed to be done to weigh her down even more. Unfortunately, that is not how she took it all. I bet a lot of you can relate to this exact thing. Women tend to be very hard on themselves and we feel like we are suppose to keep this level of accomplishment and productivity up as some sort of competition with society. Every one has different priorities, and if you choose to go play in the leaves with your kids while there are dishes in the sink. Then so be it. We need to be a sisterhood of support not judgement. Another friend of mine who passed away when she was 38 from breast cancer, use to say "If you are coming to see my house, give me two days. If you are coming to see me, come ANY time." It has been hard for me over the years to practice that philosophy, as I am a product of my GrandMother who was neat and tidy at all times and you must always but your best out there for others to see.
I watched her die... my dear sweet GrandMother. On her death bed she told me "I do have regrets, I regret getting upset with you kids when you touched the glass on my table with your dirty fingerprints, and I regret getting upset that you put your hands all over my front door glass or dropped a crumb on my floor." "Please don't be that way" "Love your children and grandchildren even in a messy house" Thank you for those words, although it took me way too long to actually act on them, however I do now.
I also owe my oldest sister for showing me without even knowing it, that it was okay to go outside in public without a full face of makeup. She is and was a stylish gal and always seemed to have it all together. It took her two hours to get ready to go somewhere, yet it was worth it because I thought she was beautiful. One year I went to Tennessee to visit her and she had to go to her son's school to do something during school hours and I was amazed that she did not put on her makeup! And yet, her confidence was still very high as usual. That was impressive to me and from that point on, I too felt that I could show both faces. Just because you are not all made up and looking "together", doesn't mean you are sick or depressed, or sad or lazy. It means you are busy and wasting two hours is ridiculous unless it is for something special or important.
So let's give our fellow women permission to let go of these old ideas of how we are suppose to look and be at all times. It's a new age, and priorities have changed. Behind all those perfect houses and perfect faces are the same struggles and arguments and obstacles that we all face. Let's just be REAL about it.
To ANYONE that I have ever hurt in the past.... I genuinely apologize.
Reminder: The Cardinal Rule... I can say something bad about my loved one, but YOU can not !
Have a good week, and see if you are brave enough to show your second face and listen without judgement.
TTFN,
Jo Lynn ;D
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